What Does The Bible Teach About Disciplining Children?
The Gatekeepers men’s group is beginning a new effort at the church that is directed toward mentoring the young men of the church. The idea is to have some fun events with the guys for a few months, get to know them in a social atmosphere, and begin to build relationships with them. Our goal is to develop a relationship that encourages that young man to grow up into a man of God – exhibiting the character of a godly man – spiritual, relational and physical disciplines, integrity, service, honor, respect, and accountability.
In early September, we took the guys bowling. Now, I had been on the church bowling team for about 5 years, but it had been about two years since I had rolled a ball down a lane – and it showed! WOW, was I bad! By the end of the first game, I was ready to have Tom and Lori, the owners of Spare Time Bowl, put down the bumper rail guards that keep the balls from going in the gutter!
Every time I see someone bowling with the rails down, I am reminded of a passage of Scripture – I know, I know, I’m weird! – The verse that comes to my mind when I see people bowling with the bumpers down is Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
We’ve been answering questions posed by the congregation for the past few months, and today’s question is, “What does the Bible say about disciplining children?” Now, to spend the next 20 minutes talking about to spank or not to spank seems like an exercise in futility. The Bible is clear on what we are supposed to do, from Proverbs 13:24, where we read, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Hebrews 12:5-12 talk of parental punishment and correction, and just last night, I was reading in Revelation, and found these words from Jesus to the church in Laodicea: “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline, so be earnest and repent.”
When we talk about disciplining our children, we’re not just talking about methods of punishment, we’re dealing with the training of our children – Proverbs 22:6 gives parents the responsibility of "training up a child..." The word used for train here is Hebrew word that literally means, "to narrow". That’s where the bumper bowling comes to play. For the very youngest bowlers, they narrow the alley by placing bumpers in the gutters. This allows the ball to travel down the lane, but it narrows the path sufficiently to guarantee that the ball will hit at least a couple of pins. If you have taken your children through those days of bumper bowling, you know that at first the ball bounces back and forth from one bumper to the other, caroming from one side to the other like my golf game. But over time, our kids develop the skill to hit the bumpers less and less until they don't need them any longer.
As parents, we are called to do the same…to narrow the alley for our kids. It is not enough to point out the way they should go, and then walk away. We need to “train them.” We need to be constantly narrowing that vision, pointing them to the specific target of their lives. We do this through consistent, careful discipline.
The Bible speaks a great deal about disciplining our children. There are lots of ways we could look at them, but I want to do it in a rather unique way. When I first was presented with this question, several months ago, and pondered it, I was drawn toward the word discipline. It’s not hard to see that a root of the word discipline is disciple. And my mind went to the way that Jesus interacted with the disciples. Obviously, when Jesus was training his disciples, he was not disciplining children, but as we see in that verse from Revelation a moment ago, Jesus makes it clear that disciplines and rebukes his church to bring it into line. I believe that He modeled the principles of discipline that are laid out in the Bible as He “narrowed” the focus of the 12 men who were closest to Him. How did Jesus discipline the disciples? What can we learn from His example about disciplining our kids?
The first principle is Lead them.
There’s an old saying from the world of Leadership Development that says, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” In the world of parenting, and disciplining our children, there’s also an old principle. It goes like this: “Lead.” When it comes to parenting, there is no following, and you don’t have the option of getting out of the way. You MUST lead, and in fact, if you are a parent, you ARE leading, like it or not. You are constantly leading – either toward godliness or toward worldliness.
The Old Testament talks repeatedly of children “walking in the steps of their father.” Sometimes that was a good thing, because the fathers gave them good examples to follow. Sometimes it was a bad thing, because the fathers lived rebellious, corrupt lives. But good or bad, those children followed in the steps of their parents, and our children will do the same.
Deuteronomy chapter 6:6-9 says this,
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them upon your children. Talk about them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the road, and when you lie down, and when you get up…
The first biblical principle about disciplining our children is to be an example of disciplined living ourselves. We must live godly, obedient lives if we are going to expect and demand that our children do so! As I read the gospels I see this principle from Deuteronomy lived out by Jesus. You read of him sitting with them around a table, talking of the kingdom of God. You see him walking along the roadways of Galilee giving practical lessons on obedience, righteousness integrity and faith. He models integrity by paying his taxes, he shows balance taking times away from the daily grind to get needed rest and recharge. He demonstrates compassion by caring for the rejected and the neglected. Jesus lived out this first principle, and we must as well.
The first principle of biblical discipline is shown in the gospels in the first encounter Jesus had with the disciples. In Matthew chapter 4, we find Jesus walking along the Sea of Galilee, and he happens upon two brothers, Andrew and Simon. He said two key words to them, “Follow me.” He repeated that same invitation to a teacher of the law in Matthew 8:22, and to the tax collector who wrote the gospel in Matthew 9:9. In Luke 18:22, we see Jesus calling a rich young leader to come and follow Him. His directive to “Follow Me” was issued to anyone who wants to be his disciple in Mark 8:34, when Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”
Jesus called those he was disciplining to follow him, and he gave them a life worth following. He modeled a life of godliness before his disciples for them to emulate in their own lives.
The first principle is to lead, not lecture. We discipline our children by first disciplining our selves.
Pray for them.
The second biblical principle for disciplining our children that is modeled by Jesus is prayer. Prayer is such a feature in Jesus developing his disciples that it is prominent before, during and after his disciplining of them.
In Luke 6:12-16, we read that Jesus selected 12 individuals out of the hundreds that were following him to be his closest students – the apostles. His representatives on earth. In the first verse of that story, we read this, “Jesus went out into the hills to pray, and spent the night praying to God.” Before appointing the 12, Jesus spent an entire night in prayer communicating with His Father about them. Jesus, being God, already knew who the 12 were going to be – this prayer was not to seek direction about selecting the 12 – it was a prayer for the 12. He prayed for them – He knew what they were going to face. He knew that the world was going to turn against Him, and them. He knew that eventually they were going to abandon Him. He knew that they would face persecution and hatred because of their calling.
He prayed for them again in John chapter 17, where we have the Lord’s prayer – no, not the “Lord’s Prayer” that so many recite every Sunday, but His prayer for those He was disciplining. In that prayer he prayed for their obedience, protection, for perseverance. He prayed for their unity and love for God and for each other.
Over the course of their time together, Jesus modeled prayer to his disciples. He was a person who regularly took time to pray. He would rise up early, before the dawn, and pray. His life was such an example of prayer that the 12 came to Him one day and said, “Lord, teach us to pray…” It was at that time that he gave them the prayer that we so often call “The Lord’s Prayer.” While his prayer was a formal time of teaching, the times of modeling were the most effective.
At the end of His time with the 12 he was disciplining, Jesus once again showed the depth of his prayers for them. On the night before His betrayal, in Luke 22:31, Jesus said, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you like wheat, But I have prayed for you, that your faith will not fail…” This insight shows that Jesus not only prayed generally, but specifically for His disciples.
This biblical principle of discipling our children is shown throughout Scripture. From Noah praying over his sons to Isaac blessing his, Job and David prayed for their sons and daughters, Paul prayed for Timothy, his “true son in the faith.”
We need to be in concerted, constant prayer for those we are disciplining – our children. We need to be in prayer for their protection, their obedience, their commitment; the challenges they will face, the disappointments they will suffer and victories they will savor; the relationships they will build and lives they will live. Those prayers need to begin before we they are born, continue through their time in our homes, and extend to the end of our lives.
In disciplining our children, we need to lead them, and pray for them.
Believe in them.
The third principle is “Believe in them, but don’t leave them.” This was a point that I was made especially aware of at the Promise Keepers conference a couple of weeks ago. Most of us are familiar with the story of Jesus walking on the water. The disciples had been sent off to cross the Sea of Galilee while Jesus stayed behind to pray. Later in the night, Jesus came walking to them, on the water. The other disciples thought it was a ghost, but Peter knew it was the Lord, and he said, “Lord if it’s you, call me out to you on the water.” Jesus said, “Come on in!” Peter got out of the boat and walked out to Jesus. But then, he started to look around at the waves and the rough sea, and he began to sink. As he sank, he cried out to Jesus, “Lord, save me!” Jesus reached out, grabbed his hand, and said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Now that’s a familiar story to most of us, but the twist we heard at PK really put it in a new light for me, and it impacted my thoughts as I considered this message. When Jesus called Peter out on the water, it’s true that Peter believed it was Jesus, but in a real way, Jesus was believing in Peter – He believed that Peter could do it – He knew that Peter had the kind of faith it took to get out of the boat. And when Peter began to sink, and Jesus grabbed him, and asked, “Why did you doubt?” Who was it that Peter doubted? Not Jesus, because he called out to Jesus to save him – he was, in fact, doubting himself. Jesus actually believed in Peter more than Peter believed in himself!
Paul did the same. He encouraged and challenged his “son in the faith,” Timothy. Timothy was a young man, gifted and called by God to be a minister, and Paul had placed him in position of great responsibility – overseeing the church of Ephesus. Paul wrote Timothy two letters that we have today, and they show a high level of confidence and encouragement.
He wrote, in I Timothy words like this:
“Stay there in Ephesus…”
“Fight the good fight…”
“Command and teach…”
“Don’t let anyone look down on you because of your youth…”
“Set and example…”
“Be diligent…”
In II Timothy he continued,
“Fan in to flame the gift of God which is in you…”
“Be strong…”
In those letters, Paul called Timothy, “Man of God,” and “soldier of Christ,” and encouraged him to “preach the word, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage…”
When Timothy faced the challenge of ministry, Paul said, “I believe in you, Timothy! You’ve got what it takes!” When Peter asked Jesus to call him out of the boat, he was asking, “Lord, do you really think I can walk where you are? Have I got what it takes to walk with you?” And Jesus said, “YES!”
As we disciple our kids, as “train them up,” we need to let them know that we believe in them – we need to encourage them to step out of the boat occasionally – to walk on water. We need to encourage them to take those leaps of faith in Christ and what He has called and equipped them to be.
Correct them.
Have you noticed that up to this point, the principles we have seen have been pretty positive in nature? Discipline does not have to be a negative concept – it must be a good, positive and encouraging part of any family’s life. But there are certainly times when discipline has to take on a corrective tone. The same was true as Jesus disciplined his disciples. There were many times in the Gospels when Jesus had to correct them. Often it was in a mildly corrective tone. The disciples, after all, were not scholars, they were not theologians, and Jesus showed great patience as he corrected them, particularly at the beginning of their training. When they were “slow to learn,” He kept on teaching. In Matthew 15:16, after Peter asked about the meaning of one of Jesus’ parables, Jesus said, “Are you still without understanding? Do you not yet understand?” But then he patiently explained the meaning.
Sometimes, however, the correction went deeper – In Mark 16:14, for example, we read that the risen Jesus “rebuked them for their lack of faith and stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen Him after He had risen.” And in perhaps the most dramatic tongue-lashing of all, in Mark 8:33, Peter pulled Jesus away and rebuked Him for talking about His pending death, but when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me, Satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
Obviously, there are no examples of corporal punishment of the disciples by Jesus, but this rebuke of Peter had to be like a slap on the face. And it came on the heals of Peter’s greatest triumph, when he had just boldly stated, “You are the Christ the Son of the Living God!” and Jesus had praised Him. And within 6 days of this event, Peter was taken to a mountaintop and allowed to see Jesus in His glorious transfiguration.
The lesson for us? Don’t be afraid to take on the tough issues! While our training and discipline needs to be encouraging and directing, it also must be corrective. When it’s necessary, we must be firm, decisive and unswerving. When our children are in error, or in danger, we must act appropriately and consistently.
But while Jesus never hesitated in correcting His disciples, He also never crushed them. In Peter’s case, He went to great lengths to patiently restore and affirm Peter in the presence of the other disciples. And after rebuking the disciples for their unbelief, which we talked about in Mark 16, He promptly expressed His confidence in them to carry on His mission.
So as we consider what the Bible teaches about Discipline, I believe Jesus gives us a great model to follow. He led them consistently by living a life of integrity and godliness. He prayed for them ceaselessly, and taught them to pray. He expressed confidence in them, encouraged them to have a bold and courageous faith. He corrected them carefully, never shying away from the difficult confrontations, but never crushing their spirit.
As we discipline our children, let’s strive to emulate our Lord, and walk as He walked, and train as He trained.