The Spirit-Filled Life: Spirit-Filled Parenting

It was about 2:30 AM when I was awakened by Carol moving around the apartment, and asked her what she was doing. “Having a baby!” was her response. It was March 25, 1983. By 6:10AM, we had moved forever into the world of parenthood. Life has never been the same. The memories are still very fresh. I remember some things vividly, as if it had happened yesterday. It’s interesting to me that earlier on that same evening before Nicole was born, we had been doing a Bible study in our apartment – and the book we were studying was Ephesians, where we are focusing our attention these days at Gateway Community Church 23 years later.

How quickly time passes. Our children grow up right under our noses, and before we know it, they are on their own. Ours are almost there. Some of us have children who have children of their own. Others of us are just beginning our families. If the Bible teaches us that all of life is fleeting, then the few years we have our children in our homes is but a flash. Granted, it sometimes seems like it will last forever, but in fact, it passes all to quickly.

As a result, it is absolutely vital that we understand and follow the wisdom found in Scripture concerning raising our children. Our text today addresses this issue. We will look at the advice found in our text, but there is much more that the Scripture says than we will be able to cover in this one message. The book of Proverbs is full of sound advice for both parents and children. We need to be familiar with what God says in an age when values are so twisted, and the “normal” family is nearly extinct. The wisdom we need is not that of the so-called “experts,” which has led us to a culture that doesn't even know how to define “family” anymore. The wisdom we need is from God, who designed the family in the first place. Paul gives us two words of wisdom for parenting from our text today. The first is to the children, and the second to parents.

Wisdom for Children

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. (6:1-3)

The word to children is clear enough – obey your parents. The authority of parents over children is a theme that runs throughout the whole of the Bible – and indeed this commandment is the only one of the Ten Commandments that is followed by a direct promise. “That it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

There are four reasons for children to obey their parents that I want us to note quickly.[i]

Paul makes an important assumption in this teaching. He addresses his thoughts to children who will obey their parents “in the Lord.” Paul is writing to young people whom he expects have made a decision to follow Jesus. The message of this letter is written to all believers – young and old alike. You, if you have placed your faith in Jesus Christ, have been blessed with “every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies.” (1:3) You have been chosen before the foundations of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight (1:4), adopted as children through Jesus Christ (1:5), sealed by the Holy Spirit (1:13), made alive with Christ by grace (2:5), and made a member of God’s household (2:19). All of that is as true for you as a young person as it is for any adult – IF you have made the decision to follow Christ. If you have not, you need to, and you need to today. None of us is guaranteed another day – and if you have not decided to trust in Jesus as your savior, then you can die in your sin just as any adult can. Don’t think you can wait until you get older the fact is, you may not get older – or if you do, you may have become hardened to the truth. Settle it now, while the Holy Spirit is talking to you about it.

As a follower of Jesus, you not only receive all the blessings I just listed, but you also take on the responsibility to obey the commands of this book – to “live a life worthy of the calling you have received,” to “be an imitator of God,” and to “be filled with the Holy Spirit. In Colossians 3:20, a parallel passage, Paul says that obeying our parents “pleases the Lord.” If you are a follower of Jesus, then that decision to follow Jesus will influence your obedience to your parents – you will want to obey in large measure because it pleases your Lord. Just as faith in Christ makes adults better husbands and wives, and employers and employees, your faith in Christ will make you a better child with your parents. Your obedience to them is tied to your obedience to Christ, and is influenced by your being filled with the Holy Spirit.

Just as we said last week that God has ordained order in society from governments to families, you fit into an order in your home. Since your parents brought you into this world, and since they have more knowledge, experience and wisdom than the child, it is right that the child obey their parents. It is a natural law – just watch the Discovery channel and you’ll see that God has placed this same order in the animals – the parents teach the young.

If there is a natural law of order in obeying our parents, there’s an even higher law – God’s law – it is commanded by Him. Honoring your mother and father is one of the original 10 Commandments that God gave to Moses – and those commandments still stand as the basis for human existence thousands of years later. When we violate the commands of God, we tear at the fabric of life, and as a believer, we dishonor the God we have committed to follow.

This promise that we see is a general promise, not a specific one. You can’t say, “Well, I’ve obeyed my parents all my life, so I’m going to live to be an old person.” And likewise, you can’t say that anyone who dies young was obviously disobedient to their’ parents. It is not that type of promise, rather, this is a promise that is setting up a principle of life, and it is that principle that we are going to examine for a minute here. It is a Biblical Axiom. Read that sentence again, “that it may be well with you…” Generally speaking, if you have learned proper respect and submission to your parent’s authority, then life is going to go well for you. I can’t tell you how often I have seen children who never learned to be respectful of their parent’s authority, and as a result have had a rough life as an adult.

As a child they defied their parent’s authority. In school the did not respect their teachers or administrators, and then as adults they run into constant conflict with their boss, the police, their superior officers in the military, and on it goes. Their life is just one continuing conflict – and if you ask them they will tell you that it’s always the other person’s fault! “He’s a jerk! She doesn’t deserve my respect! He just doesn’t like me! She’s so unfair to me!” Do you know people like that? Chances are they never learned to obey and respect the authority of their parents.

People like that generally live very unhappy lives. They always seem to be behind the eight-ball of life. Nothing ever works. They can’t get ahead. They are always being “beat down.” Our jails and prisons are filled with these folks. Those who somehow never end up in trouble with the law often have a miserable existence. Why? Because they never submitted to the proper authority of their’ parents, and therefore never learned to respect any form of authority.

Contrast that with one who learns respect for their parents as they grow. They learn at an early age that there are lessons to be learned from discipline. There are consequences for bad decisions. There is a wealth of wisdom to be gathered from our parents and elders. They go into life learning at every opportunity. School is a place of life lessons as well as book lessons. Not only do they learn to obey and follow, they become great leaders themselves. In the words of this text, “Life goes well with them…” This principle is one that God has established. Learn to obey your parents, learn to respect the authority they have, and your life will go well, and you will even live a longer, better life.

Four excellent reasons to obey your parents. Now, let’s move on to the wisdom for parents.

Wisdom for Parents

And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (6:4)

We now come to the message to the parents. Actually, it is specifically addressed to fathers. It would be addressed to fathers, since they are considered the head of the household. But it is obvious that what is in view is the relationship between parents and children. Children are told to honor and obey both parents. Fathers, however, should set the tone for the biblical order of the family.

Here we see again the wonderful balance of this passage. While children are called to be obedient to their parents, and come under their authority, the parents are called to be leaders of the family that are worthy of that respect. Quickly, lets look at the three elements of being a parent deserving of respect.

This is a call to parents to be respectful of their children as they demand and deserve respect from their children. As parents we are called to be rational and reasonable in our discipline and leadership. Purposely bringing our children to the point of frustration and exasperation is simply wrong. It tears apart the fiber of the family, and leads to a destruction of the respect that must be part of the family. So does that mean that we never make decisions that are unpopular, or set boundaries that are challenged by our children? No, in fact, setting those boundaries is one of the most important roles we play as parents. What this passage calls us to is parenting that does not provoke or frustrate our children, and the thing that will frustrate them most is inconsistent, unbalanced tyranny. The boundaries need to be set, the rules need to be established, and they need to be followed consistently and evenly. Favoritism, or irrattic behavior will only cause our children to be angry young men and women. Sometimes even the most rational and consistent parenting will be challenged, and that is OK to a point. In the home is where our children should learn the give and take of compromise and give and take, but it is also the place where they need to learn that once a decision is made, the discussion is over. This will help them through life as they go through school, work and their own marriages one day.

This is the exact opposite of “tear them down.” The original word used is the same that is used in 5:29, where Paul talks about a person “feeding and caring for” his body. As parents we are to encourage and feed the God given talents, gifts and value of our children. We are to “nurture” them. Praise your kids. Find what they do well and applaud it. When they make mistakes, help them see the error and correct it. When they succeed, rejoice with them and encourage them to continue. Sometimes brining them up is letting them learn, the hard way, but then being there to bring them back up after the fall. Even Jesus was “nurtured” in His youth – Luke 2:52 says, “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” He was nurtured intellectually, physically and spiritually. We are to raise our children the same way.

This is the most important job we have as a parent. You may think that your highest goal as a parent is to provide food, shelter, education and character for your child – and if you provide all that, society will applaud you for your efforts. But society misses out on the single most important responsibility of a parent toward their child – to be raised in the training and admonition of the Lord. R.W. Dale says, “Parents should care more for the loyalty of their children to Christ and for anything else, more for this than their health, their intellectual vigor and brilliance, their material prosperity, their social position, their exemption from great sorrow or misfortune.[ii]” We should care more for their spiritual well being than any intellectual, physical, social or economical dimension of their lives.

We are called to give our children a home that is a center of Godly learning and living. Deuteronomy 6:6 says, “These words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of the when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”

Those words in Deuteronomy are a great picture of teaching by leading. Sure there are times of intentional training, but most of the discussion there is incidental teaching – sitting in the house, walking along the way, before bed, after getting up in the morning. The greatest centers of Christian education should not be at a seminary, nor at a parochial school, nor even at church, but in our homes.

Children, is your relationship with your mom and dad controlled by the Holy Spirit? Does the level of respect and obedience you give to your parents please the Lord you claim to follow? If not, then its time to allow the Holy Spirit to fill that part of your life. You’ve been withholding that part of your life – wanting to control it yourself, and as long as you keep hanging on to it you deny yourself the blessings and benefits that God wants to give you.

Dad and Mom, are your children being raised in an atmosphere of Spirit-led nurturing and training? Are you yielding your role as parent to the control of the Holy Spirit? Do your concerns for the well being of your children reflect an eternal perspective, or have we fallen into the trap of wanting health, wealth and power first, and spirituality if it fits in the schedule? Your children may inherit your eyes, your hair color or your height – or they may not. They will certainly inherit your values – what legacy are you leaving them? Are spiritual matters an afterthought, a social duty – or a personal passion? Do you love the Lord with all your heart, soul mind and strength, as we are called to, or does the Lord get the leftovers of your schedule?

Jesus once asked, “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” I can only think of one thing worse than losing my own soul – losing my children for eternity. So I sometimes modify the words of Christ in my own mind –“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own child?” If we are not modeling a life of a disciple before them, if we are not nurturing them and training them – then we risk the greatest of all losses. May God grant us spirit-filled homes as we seek Him.

[ii] RW Dale quoted by Francis Foulkes,, Ephesians. Tyndale New Testament Commentaries. Eerdmans Publishing Co. Grand Rapids, MI. ©Francis Foulkes, 1989. Pg 173.