Ephesians 5:21-33
I am blessed in my ministry here in Mayville to have a great relationship with the pastors of the other churches in town. Since I arrived here as the new kid on the block, in my first pastorate, there has been a great working relationship with the other ministers. We certainly don’t agree on every nuance of theology, and you have heard me take some of them to task – but we have always been able to respect and support one another. Now, 10 and one half years later, I’m the “Old Guy!” The pastor whose been working in Mayville longer than any other – it’s a little frightening, actually.
One of the things that distinguishes our church model from many of the others in town is that most of them follow the Liturgical calendar for their sermons. They have a schedule, set up somewhere on high, that gives them the topic for the morning – the text, the readings, and even some suggestions. For a long time the Methodist, Lutheran and Catholic pastors got together to share ideas every Tuesday morning – since they were all speaking on the same passage of Scripture! Sometimes I envy them – other times I’m glad to have the flexibility that I have here. I once asked Father Charlie Wester about it, and he said that he liked the Liturgical calendar because it made sure that the preached on passages that they might have otherwise avoided.
I can relate to that today – because today we are looking at a passage of Scripture that has been taken out of context, misunderstood, twisted and abused by so many people over the years that it might be easier to just skip it – but as we continue our study of Ephesians, we can’t hardly step over the final 1/3 of chapter 5.
Turn with me in your copy of the Scriptures to Ephesians chapter 5, and we will begin with verse 21, reading through verse 33.
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
You know, these words have been so misunderstood, that I have actually had couples in my office during premarital counseling who have said, “We don’t want any of that ‘wives submitting to their husbands’ stuff in our wedding ceremony!”
I understand. As I said before, these words have been so abused over the years that they have left a bad taste in the mouths of a lot of people – but trust me, when we understand them properly, there is nothing here to avoid or fear – these verses contain some of the most important teachings on marriage found anywhere in the Bible – and it’s critical that we understand them.
As is usually the case, it’s very important that we understand the context. This entire section of Paul’s letter to the church is introduced in chapter 4, verse 1, with these words, “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” That thought is further shown in chapter 5 verse 1, where Paul challenges us to be “imitators of God.”
Everything we have seen over the past few weeks has reflected that call to imitate God. The way we love, the way we talk, the way we work, the things we fill our minds with must all be affected by our desire to imitate God. That call in 5:1 permeates every part of our lives – culminating in verse 18, when Paul tells us that we are to be “Living under the Influence” of the Holy Spirit. We are to be controlled by the Holy Spirit in the same way a drunk is controlled by alcohol. Our speech, our walk, our behavior are to be completely under His control.
Beginning in verse 21, Paul includes our relationships under that control. First, he addresses the relationship of husbands and wives, then parents and children, and finally masters and slaves.
There are two important principles in properly understanding these verses 1. Start at the beginning; and 2. Mind your own business.
First, start at the beginning. The most important part of cutting though the abuse of these verses is to insure that we begin at the right place. How many times have you heard verse 22 quoted, “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord”? I’ve heard preachers, counselors, men and women alike throw this verse around like a yoke of burden on the shoulders of women. I’ve had women who were being physically and emotionally abused tell me that they had pastors tell them that they must be submissive to their husband, even in the face of abuse! I’ve seen husbands arrogantly stand in the rubble of destroyed families with this verse on their lips…
That’s what happens when you take a verse out of context and use it for selfish, evil, Satan-driven gain! When Satan tempted Eve, did he not use the words of God, and just ever so slightly pervert them? Sure he did, and he does the same today over and over again – this verse is just one example.
People who want to use Ephesians 5:22 to establish themselves as an autocratic dictator in their homes are in for a sorry awakening – because God does not take kindly to people who twist the word of God for their own selfish ends.
We must start at the proper place if we are to understand the meaning of Paul’s teaching. This entire section comes under the teachings of verse 21 – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The life of Christ is an amazing example of submission. From Luke 2:51, when we read that He was submissive to His earthly parents, to Matthew 3, when he was submissive in His baptism, in the temple courtyard, where he told us to be submissive to the government in power and “render to Caesar that which is Caesars,” to the upper room when He humbled Himself to wash the feet of His disciples, to the Garden of Gethsemane, where Hw submitted to the will of the Father, to the Cross, where He was obedient, “even unto death.”
Even more impressive is that submission is actually part of God’s existence. It is obvious that there is an order to the trinity. Jesus made it very clear that He was submissive to the Father, and He also made it clear that the Holy Spirit would only be present when the Father had sent Him, and that He would teach only those things that Jesus dictated. Yet even while there is submission within the Godhead, there is perfect unity. In fact, it is that submission, respect and unity that serves as our model for submission in our relationships as husbands and wives, parents and children, employers and employees, and church members.
The Christian Life is a life of submission – in every area of life. The very act of salvation is a submitting of ourselves to the Lordship and control of Jesus Christ. We are called to be submissive to the word and will of God. We are to be submissive to the leaders of our church, to each other and even to the leaders of our earthly governments. In fact, “being submissive to one another out of reverence for Christ” in verse 21, is an evidence that you are, in fact, “being filled with the Holy Spirit” from verse 18. If you are not submissive to one another, then the Holy Spirit is not in control!
So before we look at the specific teachings to wives and husbands, parents and children and workers and their bosses, let’s start at the beginning – we are all called to be mutually submissive to one another with Jesus Christ Himself as our example and the Holy Spirit living within us and filling us as our guide.
We cool with that? Good!
Now, the second thing we need to remember is this: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
This is really not all that difficult, but the problems start when we get this wrong. Notice verse 22 – what’s the first word in verse 22? Wives! This section is written to the wives! Pretty easy isn’t it? Now look at verse 25. What’s the first word there? Husbands! Guess what? This section is for the husbands!
“Wow” You’re thinking, “He’s good!”
I know, I know, don’t try this at home, remember I am a professional!
But as obvious as that seems, the problem comes when we all start getting our noses into the other persons business. It all starts when the guy starts clamoring about how his wife is “not being submissive,” and she starts complaining that “he doesn’t love her and care for her like he should!” – am I right? But the key is very simple – MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! None of us is given, in these verses, the right to be judging the other. We are to simply be obedient to our part!
Wives, verses 22-24 are for you. Two verses. One command. Please listen carefully and openly to the teaching here, with a heart open to obeying the Lord. Men, you can listen in, but these words are not for you, and are really none of your business!
Wives, you are to submit to your husband as to the Lord. The idea of a woman being subservient to her husband was not a new idea – in the Roman, Greek and Jewish cultures, a wife was a piece of property. The words used in a marriage contract were the same words used in buying cattle or property. But the idea of submission – mutual submission – is a new idea. A wife is to have a relationship with her husband that reflects a voluntary yielding to him in love based on her experience of salvation where she yielded herself to Jesus .[i] Three quick observations:
1. You are to accept him as a fallen human being in need of redemption. As a Christian, you have recognized your own need for a Savior, and the sin nature that is in each of us. As such, you are able to now see your husband as another flawed person, like yourself, in need of redemption, in need of the touch of the Savior, and, as such, you are able to understand and express unconditional love, forgiveness and respect because Christ has done exactly that for you. Your own salvation becomes the basis for the grace you extend to your husband who, whether he has come to saving faith or not, is in need of God’s grace just like you.
2. You are to respect your husband as a responsible person. There is no need to argue the point that God has established the husband as the responsible person in the family. It’s here; don’t argue with me about it – I didn’t write it. But notice that this headship in the home is not a dominant authoritarian – it is responsible headship. It simply reflects a God-ordained order to things. God designed society to function in a certain way. He ordained authority in civil government, in the workplace, in social gatherings and in the family. It is part of our nature to need order. It’s part of the image of God that has been placed with in us. We see this concept of order even in the Trinity. Although there is total equality in the Trinity, there is an order: Father, Son, and Spirit. So there is “headship” in the home. There is a divinely ordained order there. Each person has a role to fill. But both are equal. The concepts of “equality” and “role” are not contradictory. It is true that husband and wife are equal. In Christ “there is neither male nor female.” We have all received the same salvation, and we all stand complete in Christ. But God has a “role” for each of us, and there is an order to the way a family functions. In Titus 2:4, Paul commands women to love their husbands, but even this love reflects the role that he holds. The Greek word for love Paul uses is “phileo,” which refers to an affectionate respectful love. Verse 33 summarizes this by instructing women to “respect” their husbands – to recognize the order God has placed in the family.
So wives, that’s your command – submit to your husband, as you submit to Christ. Allow your humble submission to Jesus and His unending grace to you be your guide and strength.
Husbands, your part begins with verse 25, and goes through verse 32. The ladies get two verses, the men get 8. One Command to obey, but eight verses. It just takes more explaining for us to understand our part!
Our commandment is to love our wives. Period. Paul says the word “love” 7 times in this passage. This entire paragraph is an explanation of what that means. There are two reasons for Paul’s lengthy explanation – first, men in the first century had no idea what it meant to love their wives, and second, men today have no idea what it means to love their wives!
As I said earlier, this writing was a monumental leap for the readers of Paul’s letter. The idea of “loving” a wife was foreign to their Greco-Roman society. Wives were property. A man was required to care for his wife, and provide for her – but love was not part of the equation. Certainly some husbands loved their wives, but Paul states that it is required that a man love his wife, and, here’s the kicker – it is a different kind of love than the “phileo” love that is required of a wife in Titus – this is “agape.” While “phileo” is an affectionate, respectful love, “agape” is an unconditional, sacrificial, love. It is the strongest term for love in the New Testament, and means to value the object of our love to such a degree that we give our best for the loved one. It’s the same type of love that God has; that drove Him to give His only Son as a sacrifice for those whom He loved. Two observations:
1. You are to love her as a fallen human being in need of redemption. Jesus Christ, the creator God, loves that woman next to you, and values her so much that He was willing to die for her. He sees her as His beloved – His greatest desire is to see her be the best she can be – holy, cleansed, radiant, without stain or blemish. He is willing to extend forgiveness, patience, and honor to her freely and without condition. When she fails, He accepts and forgives; when she succeeds, He celebrates; when she needs to unload, He listens. Guess what, He is our example! We are to accept and love her as our beautiful bride, whom we want to see be the best she can be.
2. You are to love your wife with a sacrificial, caring love. The Greek word “agape” in this verse is written in the same tense as the command to “keep on being filled” with the Holy Spirit in verse 18. We are to be in a constant state of loving our wives – it is to be an ongoing, active expression of love – like Christ’s love for us. That means that our love is to be a continual seeking of the best for our wives, even to the exclusion of our best – it means sacrifice, self denial and care. Jesus said that “he who would be the greatest among you must be the servant of all.” If we have, then, been placed as the leaders of our homes, in the heavenly dictionary, that means that we are to be the servant of all. Like Christ, our authority is actually expressed by our sacrifice! Is that the picture of your home? I must confess that in my home, my wife is far to often the servant of all – so am I fulfilling my responsibility as head of my home? If I’m going to love my wife, and lead in my home as Christ demands, then I must submit myself to her and love her sacrificially and selflessly.
The paradox of this passage is almost poetic. As a wife becomes obedient to this word, and submits herself to her husband in light of her submission to Christ, she will grow in her love for him. And as the husband loves his wife properly, in light of Christ’s example, he will submit himself to her.
May God give us grace to live in harmony with His word, and with each other, in our homes.
Prayer.
[i] John C. Howell. Equality and Submission in Marriage. Broadman Press, Nashville, TN © 1979. Pg. 70.