Foundations for a Strong Family
1 Corinthians 7:10-24
And elderly couple was sitting by the fireside and were enjoying their evening together. Big band music filled the air, the lights were low, and the fire was warm and inviting. The husband turned to his wife and said, “After 50 years of marriage, I find you tried and true.” The wife, whose hearing wasn’t that good, said, “What?” He said, “After 50 years of marriage I find you tried and true!” She replied, “Well, after 50 years, I’m tired of you, too!”
Now here’s a not so funny story from Chuck Colson:
"I'm
just not growing in this relationship," Kevin
told his wife, Diane. And after ten years of marriage
and two kids, he left his family. And he did it,
Diane discovered, with the blessing of his therapist.
If Diane had been up on the state of modern
psychology, she wouldn't have been so surprised. One
Christian psychologist says the spread of what he
calls "the selfist philosophy" has gravely damaged
many American families.
Dr.
Paul Vitz is author of a newly-updated book,
Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self-Worship. In
it he describes modern psychology's deep commitment
to self-worship, or "selfism." All the major theories
of motivation and personality, he says, assume that
reward for the self is the only functional ethical
principle.
These values are hostile to our ability to form
permanent relationships, or to commit to such values
as duty and self-sacrifice. Instead, he says, "With
monotonous regularity, the selfist literature sides
with those values that encourage divorce" and the
breaking of family ties.
Yesterday, Carol and I had the priveledge of attending the 40th Wedding Anniversary Celebration of Carl and Marlene Beauprey. That type of longevity is sadly rare in our culture, so I want to invite Carl and Marlene to come up for a quick interview.
Congratulations on 40 years of marriage.
What are some of the hurdles you have had to cross over the years?
Over the years were there times when you thought about giving up?
If so, why kept you together? If not, what prevented that from occurring?
Can you ever imagine a situation that would cause you to reject your spouse?
What would you say is the key to a successful marriage?
Thank you for allowing us to learn from your commitment and experience.
As we discuss the foundations for a strong family, it is paramount that one of the first stones to be laid, after placing Christ in the proper place as the cornerstone, is commitment. It is virtually impossible to have a marriage that will last, and a family that will be strong and enduring, without a sense of genuine commitment between husband and wife, fathers and mothers, parents and children.
In our society, however, commitment has become as rare as a 40th wedding anniversary. And not just in marriages. Employers see it in workers who may decide not to come to work on any given day for any given reason, even though it puts their co-workers in a difficult and sometimes dangerous position. Teachers see it in students who do not keep commitments they have made to complete work, or be involved in extra curricular activities. Churches see it when people fail to help out with nursery, teaching or other needs.
But in no other setting is the lack of commitment in our culture more tragic
than in the home. Many marriages today
are begun with prenuptial agreements, separate banking accounts, divided assets
– all with an eye toward making the eventual end of the marriage less painful. What a sad way to begin a marriage, already
planning for failure. That is not what
God intends, and it is not a formula for happiness. While millions of couples part ways in search of happiness and
fulfillment, study after study shows that those couples who remain faithful to
one another through the tough times and work out their problems are ultimately
the happiest and most satisfied in their relationship. And it does not mean that only happy and
satisfied people stay together – the happy and satisfied people are the ones
who stay together even when times get difficult because they realize that they
have made a commitment to one another that will not be broken.
In 1 Corinthians 7:10-24 the apostle Paul confronts this provocative issue in the life of the church and a major social problem in our world today. In the United States, approximately every other marriage ends in divorce. In California the rate is even higher; there are nearly as many divorces each year as marriages. Love is praised and espoused everywhere you look in the media, and yet it's sadly lacking in terms of committed marriages. Unhappy marriages are much too common, even in Christian circles.
These verses speak to couples today who are unhappy and frustrated in their marriage relationships, who don't think they can live with the conflict and difficulty anymore. I would appeal to you, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ and you see little chance for the survival of your marriage, to ask God, as you interact with the word, to "enlighten the eyes of your heart," in Paul's words. And if you feel that you made a bad choice in getting married, then please listen to God's word with special attention. And if you somehow think that you could serve the Lord more effectively without the bondage of marriage, then ask the Lord to teach you through this inspired text what true freedom is. And if you feel hopeless about your marriage, then hear this divine word of hope, because that is what it is: hope in hopelessness.
Let’s read these verses together, beginning with verse 10 and going through verse 16:
The teaching of the Word of God is clear: Marriage is forever. Wether it be Christians who are married to other Christians, or Christians who find themselves married to unbelievers, we, as followers of Jesus Christ, are to be committed to marriage to the end, no matter what the circumstance. The word “separate” in verse 10, and “divorce” in verse 11 are simply interchangeable words for the same event. Christian husbands and wives are to not participate in divorce. I believe that the “D” word should not even be a part of the Christian vocabulary.
When I counsel couples for marriage, I stress this point vigorously. I know that our society has made divorce easy, and “painless.” But there is not such thing as an easy or painless divorce. There are always victims of divorce. As a pastor, it is my role to call that couple to a level of commitment that will state, before God and witnesses, “No matter what happens, I will never leave you. If we never have two pennies to rub together, I will stay with you. If you are paralyzed the day after our wedding, I will be with you. If we have trouble communicating, I will stay and work it out with you. No matter what obstacle we face, or problem we encounter, I will be there.”
That is the level of commitment I look for and insist upon with a couple I am counseling for marriage. It is also the level of commitment that must be present in a 12 year old marriage that is struggling. A commitment to working through the difficulties, to forgiving the failures, to overlooking the flaws. Such is the level of commitment that God requires of us in our marriages.
Now, I have counseled wives who have sat before me with bruises on their bodies because their husbands had beaten them up. Now when that occurs -- sometimes even to the degree that their lives are threatened -- there is no reason why a woman should have to live under those conditions in marriage, and it is perfectly proper for her to leave for a while. Sometimes it is the only way of bringing a husband to his senses, and the apostle seems to face that, but he adds some very strict controls. He says, "if she does, let her remain single..." The marriage is not broken just because it has become impossible to go on with. If she leaves even for a temporary separation, or, if it is a long continued problem, even if she gains a divorce, yet in God's sight the marriage is not broken.
Remember we are not dealing with the Law as Christians: We are dealing with God and reality and what is ultimately true, regardless of what the fluctuations of the Law may allow. In God's sight the marriage is not broken, therefore, "let her remain single (or else be reconciled to her husband)." In other words she is not to remarry because that would create a broken marriage involving, in this case, some form of adultery. Therefore, while her mate lives and remains unmarried (or while his mate lives and remains unmarried, because this would apply to a man as well as a woman), she or he is not to remarry, for there is always the possibility that the grace of God can work to restore and reconcile that marriage.
Even in those most difficult of circumstances, where a couple has reached a point of not being able to stay in the same home any longer, God calls for commitment – commitment to Himself, commitment to marriage, commitment to obedience.
Just this week I was counseling a young couple who are to be married later this month, and I told them that I believe there is only one way to guarantee a marriage will be strong and last. That one way is for both the husband and wife to be growing in their individual relationship with Jesus Christ. Just picture it for a moment. As a person grows more Christ like, they become more patient, forgiving and loving of their spouse. So when that spouse sins, and gets angry, or is unfaithful, they are all the more likely to forgive them. On the other hand, as that spouse is growing more like Christ, the incidence and severity of the sin is reduced so that the need for forgiveness and patience is lessened. One partner is more inclined to forgive, but the chances of failure are reduced, and forgiveness will probably not be needed anyway!
I told this couple, and I believe it with all my heart, “Show me a Christian couple whose marriage has failed, and I will show you a couple where one, if not both individuals did not live a godly life.”
But even in those circumstances, God calls us to commitment. Paul says, “If you find yourself divorced, you remain committed.” As followers of Christ, we are to be always faithful, always forgiving, always willing and ready to reconcile. Committed to God, committed to marriage, committed to our family and our vows.
There are some circumstances where a Christian is married to an unbeliever. Perhaps the one is a new Christian, and their spouse has not come to Christ. Even in that circumstance, Paul says, stay put, have as positive influence on that mate as you possibly can. Do you see the level of commitment God has called us to in marriage? No matter how difficult it may be, as followers of Christ, we are to be the one who remains faithful in the marriage.
Now, it may be that in a circumstance like that, the unbeliever will desire to leave the Christian. Paul says that in that case, we have to let them go, our forcing them to stay in the marriage against their will simply drive them further away and cause the situation to be worse. But the end of that marriage is to be initiated only by the unbeliever, not the Christian. Again we see that the Christian is to be committed to doing all he or she can to salvage the marriage. So his argument is: God has called us to peace rather than continual bickering and quarreling in this area, and in that particular case of a mixed marriage if the unbeliever desires to depart, let him or her depart.
The final paragraphs teach us how to handle conditions that are difficult, in marriage or any other realm of life. Verse 17:
Only let every one lead the life which the Lord has assigned to him, and in which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. {1 Cor 7:17 RSV}
Paul means by that that this is not something peculiar to Corinth. This is a rule that should apply to Christians anywhere, both in every place and in all of time. Therefore, it is applicable for us today here in Mayville at the beginning of the 21st Century as it was in Corinth twenty centuries ago. Paul’s message is this: where you are is not an accident. God put you where you are. You may not even yet be a Christian, but that does not mean God has not been at work in your life. Paul said that he discovered after he came to Christ that he had been "separated unto Christ from his mother's womb," but he never realized that until he was on the Damascus road and found Jesus there. Yet through everything that was happening in his life, though he was a wild radical, a revolutionary anti-Christian breathing out threatenings and slaughter, God was at work to bring him to the place and the time when his conversion would occur.
And that is true of you too. God has assigned you a place in life, and you have made a lot of choices along the line to get there. God has worked through your choices, not to control you so that you had to do something, but to allow you free choice and yet work it out. Therefore, you are where God wants you to be. "Do not fight it," Paul says. "Stay in the place where God has assigned you; he has called you there."
Be committed to that marriage. Perhaps you did not know Christ when you were married. Perhaps you got married for what you think were all the wrong reasons. Maybe you think you’d be happier with some other partner. The word of God differs. “Each one should retain the place in life that the Lord has assigned to him and to which God has called him.”
If you are married, be committed to that marriage, no matter what. If you are planning to be married, enter into that covenant with a clear and firm commitment to love each other for the rest of your lives.
Imagine the peace that our children can know when they go to bed knowing that Mommy and Daddy will always love each other. Millions of children in our nation, and I dare say hundreds of children in our community do not know that peace.
Imagine the security wives and husbands can enjoy knowing that regardless of how tough life gets, that one to whom they are married will always love them. “For richer or poorer, better or worse, sickness or health,” are more then just familiar words from wedding vows, they are a part of the foundation of the home. Sadly, far too many husbands and wives spend sleepless nights and shed rivers of tears because they do not know that security.
With Christ as our example, and the chief cornerstone of our families, we can live a life of commitment that is unknown in the world – because we know the commitment He has for us. Was it easy for Jesus to go through with His commitment to us? No. Do I need to remind you of the prayers and tears in the Garden of Gethsemane? But He endured to the end, and did so for the great joy that lay beyond the temporary pain. We can do the same as we endure whatever struggles come our way, and remain faithful and committed in our marriages.