Foundations for a Strong Family
Ephesians 5:15-6:4
There was once a young pastor who preached a sermon entitled “Ten Rules for Raising Your Kids.” A few years later, he and his wife had a couple of kids. He changed the name of the sermon to “Ten Principles for Raising Our Kids.” A few years went by, he was at a new church, the children were pre-teens, and this time he preached a sermon called “Ten Suggestions for Raising Our Kids.” Then, when his kids were teenagers, he quit preaching the message all together!
Ever been there? I remember when we were first married, and we watched our friends and other family members with their children, we would talk later about how we were going to do it differently, and better, of course! Then I remember when we had ours, and our friends would watch us as we dealt with them, and I could see that same look in their eyes that had been in mine a few years earlier – “Boy I sure will do a better job than those clowns!”
It has been said that no one really knows how to be a parent until they are a grandparent – that the lessons needed are only learned by experience, and that’s true. But there are some basic guidelines, “foundation stones” if you will, that are laid out in scripture that will help us as we develop as a family.
For the last two weeks, we have talked about the fact that the starting place for a strong family is to have Christ as the center of our lives. He must be the cornerstone, the reference point from which everything else we do is put into place. Last week we showed that having Jesus as the center of our lives means far more than being familiar with His story, it means receiving Him – welcoming Him as our Savior and the new Master of lives.
With the Cornerstone laid, we can begin to build the foundation for a strong family.
It would be virtually impossible to talk about the Biblical teachings about the family without visiting today’s text. In Ephesians chapters 5&6, we have some of the best teaching on the family that is available to us. Turn with me to that Ephesians 5, and we will look at a few verses from each of these two chapters.
As we read these verses together, I want you to notice the words that describe the attitudes that each family member needs to have toward the others.
Ephesians 5:15-6:4
Did you see the words? What were some of them as you saw them – words that reflect the attitudes we need to have for one another in the family?
Submit (wives, verse 22)
Love (husbands, verse 25)
Self-giving (husbands, verse 25)
Respect (wives, verse33)
Obey (children, verse 6:1)
Do not provoke (parents, verse 6:4)
As I have read and re-read this passage, I am stuck by the balance that is found in it. I know that there are people who will take portions of this scripture and twist it to fit their own agenda. Men, and even some theologies, have made a big deal over the submissive wife. Some feminist groups have used that same passage to discredit the Bible, urging their members to reject the “male dominated Christian faith.”
But I think that happens when we allow our minds to focus on the trees, and forget about the forest. Look at the entire passage! Don’t read the first sentence and pass judgment on the entire Bible. When this passage is looked at as a whole, and the message of God to the family is completely understood, I don’t think there is anyone who gets the short end of the stick.
On the contrary, God has set up a wonderful balance for the family structure. And while the actual word is only used once in this passage, I think the word Respect summarizes the whole thing. Let’s take a look.
1. Husbands and Wives
We’d might as well start at the beginning, with the one that is most controversial to so many – verse 5:22, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” As I said before, there are people who have taken this statement way out of context. Some husbands have used it as a license to be a jerk. They feel that they can treat their wife and children any way they please, and the family simply has to submit to their whims of behavior. Wrong! That’s what happens when you only read part of scripture. If you go on to read the rest of this passage, it becomes real clear that the emphasis in not on the submission of the wife and family, but on the attitude and duty of the husband!
The word that is used for submit in this verse is a word that has military origins. It means simply being under the authority of another. God has established a chain of command for the organization of the home. The idea behind this word, submit, is to “voluntarily come under the authority of another.” It does not in any way connote a forced submission by a husband over an unwilling wife. Paul says that it is the same type of submission that we have to the Lord. Jesus does not force Himself on anyone. “We love Him because He first loved us.” There is no forced servitude implied here. There is not submission to abuse sanctioned in this verse. Rather it is a submission that is earned by the husband out of respect for him and his role in the home.
Just look at it – yes it does say that a woman should respect and be subjective to her husband, but look at the level of responsibility for that husband. He is to love her in the same way that Christ loves the church. With a love that is self-sacrificing, pure and unconditional. He is to love her as he loves his own body, taking care of her, nourishing her and cherishing her. The husband is to be so loving and so giving that he will be like Christ, who was willing to give himself for her so completely that His own blood was shed to present her as pure and spotless.
Wow! Do you know any husbands like that? Husbands who are willing to do anything it takes to see their wife become complete and perfect? Who put their own needs after the needs of their wife, who serves in the family as a servant leader? Who leads and guides by example, and with patience, the way Christ leads us and deals with us? If you do, then you find a home where there is no problem with a wife who is submissive to her husband, because when the husband shows that kind of respect for his wife, she is going to show the same respect for him.
I have had people come to me and question how I could support a wife leaving an abusive marriage. They point me to this verse and claim to be the leader of the home, and the family is supposed to be subject to them. I push the Bible right back to them and say, “Show me where Jesus was abusive to his disciples. Show me where he tormented them emotionally or physically. Show me the passage where he lost his temper with his disciples and riduculed them and mocked them and made them feel worthless. And I will show you where He was patient with them, where He took time to teach them, when He called them to quiet retreats alone with Himself. I will show you where He washed their feet. Even when they all forsook Him, He loved them. Even when they doubted Him, He gently called them to faith. He is the example for each husband, each father.”
The relationship of a husband and wife is a relationship of mutual respect. Yes, God has established that he husband be the head of the home, I will not apologize for the word of God. But that leadership is to be a leadership of sacrifice, and service, and a desire to see the very best in his wife and his children. A leadership that shows respect for each member of the family, and earns respect from each member of the family. Paul wraps up the discussion of husbands and wives with this summary, “Nevertheless let each of you [husbands] so love your own wife as yourself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
2. Children and Parents
Paul then moves on to the relationship between children and parents. In verses 1-3 of chapter 6 we read of how that relationship is to be constructed.
Children obey your parents in the
Lord, for this is right. “Honor your
father and mother” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it
may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
The word to children is clear enough – obey your parents. The authority of parents over children is a theme that runs throughout the whole of the Bible – and indeed this commandment is the only one of the Ten Commandments that is followed by a direct promise. “That it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
This promise that we see is a general promise, not a specific one. You can’t say, “Well, I’ve obeyed my parents all my life, so I’m going to live to be an old person.” And likewise, you can’t say that anyone who dies young was obviously disobedient to their’ parents. It is not that type of promise, rather, this is a promise that is setting up a principle of life, and it is that principle that we are going to examine for a minute here. It is a Biblical Axiom. Read that sentence again, “that it may be well with you…” Generally speaking, if you have learned proper respect and submission to your parent’s authority, then life is going to go well for you. I can’t tell you how often I have seen, even in my limited ministry experience, children who never learned to be respectful of their parent’s authority, and as a result have had a rough life as an adult.
As a child they defied their parent’s authority. In school the did not respect their teachers or administrators, and then as adults they run into constant conflict with their boss, the police, their superior officers in the military, and on it goes. Their life is just one continuing conflict – and if you ask them they will tell you that it’s always the other guy’s fault! “He’s a jerk! She doesn’t deserve my respect! He just doesn’t like me! She’s so unfair to me!” Do you know people like that? Chances are they never learned to obey and respect the authority of their parents.
People like that generally live very unhappy lives. They always seem to be behind the eight-ball of life. Nothing ever works. They can’t get ahead. They are always being “beat down.” Our jails and prisons are filled with these folks. Those who somehow never end up in trouble with the law often have a miserable existence. Why? Because they never submitted to the proper authority of their’ parents, and therefore never learned to respect any authority.
Contrast that with one who learns respect for their parents as they grow. They learn at an early age that there are lessons to be learned from discipline. There are consequences for bad decisions. There is a wealth of wisdom to be gathered from our parents and elders. They go into life learning at every opportunity. School is a place of life lessons as well as book lessons. Not only do they learn to obey and follow, they become great leaders themselves. In the words of this text, “Life goes well with them…” This principle is one that God has established. Learn to obey your parents, learn to respect the authority they have, and your life will go well, and you will even live a longer, better life.
The third support in this building block of Respect is the respect of Parents for their children. Check out verse 4 of chapter 6. “And you, Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but ring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
Here we see again the wonderful balance of this passage. While children are called to be obedient to their parents, and come under their authority, the parents are called to be leaders of the family that are worthy of that respect. Quickly, lets look at the three elements of being a parent deserving of respect.
· Do not provoke your children - This is a call to parents to be respectful of their children as they demand and deserve respect from their children. As parents we are called to be rational and reasonable in our discipline and leadership. Purposely bringing our children to the point of frustration and exasperation is simply wrong. It tears apart the fiber of the family, and leads to a destruction of the respect that must be part of the family. So does that mean that we never make decisions that are unpopular, or set boundaries that are challenged by our children? No, in fact, setting those boundaries is one of the most important roles we play as parents. What this passage calls us to is parenting that does not provoke or frustrate our children, and the thing that will frustrate them most is inconsistent, unbalanced tyranny. The boundaries need to be set, the rules need to be established, and they need to be followed consistently and evenly. Favoritism, or irrattic behavior will only cause our children to be angry young men and women. Sometimes even the most rational and consistent parenting will be challenged, and that is OK to a point. In the home is where our children should learn the give and take of compromise and give and take, but it is also the place where they need to learn that once a decision is made, the discussion is over. This will help them through life as they go through school, work and their own marriages one day.
· Bring them up – This is the exact opposite of “tear them down.” As parents we are to encourage and feed the God given talents, gifts and value of our children. Praise your kids. Find what they do well and applaud it. When they make mistakes, help them see the error and correct it. When they succeed, rejoice with them and encourage them to continue. Sometimes brining them up is letting them learn, the hard way, but then being there to bring them back up after the fall.
· In the training and admonition of the Lord – Earlier I said that setting boundaries was one of the most important jobs we have as a parent. This is the most important. Deuteronomy 6:6 says, “These words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of the when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up…”
We are called to give our children a home that is a center of Godly learning and living. Those words in Deuteronomy are a great picture of teaching by leading. Sure there are times of classroom-like training, but most of the discussion there is teaching by living – sitting in the house, walking along the way, before bed, after getting up in the morning. The greatest centers of Christian education should not be at some seminary, but in our homes.
Often times I have had parents come to me and ask, “Pastor Bob, how do I raise my kids to be godly? It scares me to death to think of the teen years!” The first thought that goes through my mind is, “Why would you be asking me?” I am far from a perfect father, and our home is far from perfect. But you know, my role is not to be perfect. I’m on the journey just like you – my role as your pastor is to point you to the one who is perfect, and who has the answer to your concerns. This word, placed in your heart as parents, and talked about in your home like Deuteronomy 6 commands, will diminish the fears and set the course.